We Can't Stand Americans Because they come up here in the summer, wearing funny clothes and carrying skis on the tops of their station wagons. Because they never have anything but American money with them and they never change it at a bank and they complain about the exchange rate they get at stores. Because they refuse to vote for Blue Jay or Expo ballplayers on their All-Star Game ballots. Because of their tacky local newscasts in Buffalo and other crummy border towns. Because they elect judges and have stupid TV commercials for them. Because they're used to getting their booze almost for free and complain about our prices when they come here and we can't argue because they're right. Because their dollar is so high that it costs us a fortune to go down there for a few days and take advantage of their cheap booze. Because they don't know the first thing about Canada, like who our Prime Minister is or even that we have a Prime Minister or a different currency. And they glaze over if we try to explain them. Because they don't even know that people like Lorne Greene, William Shatner, Rich Little, and Monty Hall are Canadians. Because the only time they pay attention to hockey is when they win something. Because they make terrible weak beer and spend so much money advertising it that every seventeenyear-old in the western world craves it. Because before Vietnam they used to claim they'd never lost a war even though we stuffed them in the War of 1812. Because they think Wayne Newton is a great entertainer. Because, although we're their leading trading partner and share the world's longest undefended border, they keep dropping cruise missiles on obscure bits of Alberta. Because they still haven't seen through Ron and Nancy, and they actually think that people like Teddy Kennedy are left-wing.