Sex Education 101 If you're ready, class, we'll begin. Childish snickering is not at all helpful to the learning process, Smithers. Thank you. We haven't an awful lot of time, as you know. "Sex and Canadians" is merely a half course. To begin with, there are those who will argue that sex and Canadians are incompatible, that the phrase "sex and Canadians" is an oxymoron. Do you all know what an oxymoron is? Yes, Dobrowolski, military intelligence is the most famous example. Very good. Indeed, Progressive Conservative is another. What was that, Smithers? Sober consideration? Ha ha! Now, there is a theory that sex simply did not happen in this country prior to the 1960s, and that the population was maintained entirely through immigration. What do you make of this theory? Not so, I'm afraid. You must remember that for much of Canada's early history, a large percentage of the population was French, and we know what they're like. Well, if you don't know, it's certainly not for me to tell you. However, modern historians, working from contemporary documents, now conclude that there were isolated outbreaks of sex among English-speaking Canadians as early as the late eighteenth century, even in Toronto. You needn't look so surprised, Smithers. And no, I mean sex between men and women. Simultaneously. No, Smithers, that is a misconception. Not all Torontonians are .... No, we don't say that anymore, Smithers; we say gay. Anyway, no they're not all gay in Toronto. I've been there myself. In any case, there is little recorded evidence of sex in Canada. We do not associate William Lyon Mackenzie King or Louis St. Laurent, for instance, with sexual activity. Sex in the 1950s was almost entirely restricted to Irving Layton, and he may just ha ve been boasting. Now, can anyone tell me who brought sex to Canada? No, Dobrowolski, it was not Arthur Halley. Nor was it Joey Smallwood. No answers? Goodness, were you all born yesterday? Very well, then, sex was brought to Canada by Gerda Munsinger in 1961. I doubt very much that her name was on the tip of your tongue, Smithers, and if that was meant as a joke I'm afraid it misfired. Gerda Munsinger was what was known at the time as a "blonde bombshell." She was an East German sexpot. Very good, Smithers, that is indeed another example of an oxymoron. Gerda Munsinger cut a swath through the Diefenbaker Cabinet, which was probably neit her very difficult nor particularly pleasant. It was most likely the unpleasantness of the task as much as Ms. Munsinger's place of birth that provoked allegations that she was a spy. She admitted to hanky-panky as sexual activity was called at that time but not to spying, a story that has never quite rung true. It is interesting that the alleged canoodling another term for sex in that era took place in 1961, but no one noticed until March, 1966. This is not unusual for sexual activity between a German an d a Canadian. A unique flurry of sexual behaviour coincided with large scale immigration from Italy. What the Italians brought to Canada was pasta, home-made wine, and sex. During the sixties, the Italians were very high profile, sex-wise. They made a lot of movies wit h busty, pouting actresses in exaggerated underwear. There was much physical activity that suggested sex, but not much actual sex. In real life, young Italian men drove noisy cars, wore expensive shoes, and spent most of their time drinking coffee with ot her Italian men. They reproduced bountifully, however, so we can draw our own conclusions. After the Italians came Pierre Trudeau, a man who dated Barbra Streisand, Margot Kidder, Anne Mortifee, and Liona Boyd, among many others. By this time, of course, everybody in Canada was having sex. The Prime Minister was merely leading the way. For a time in the seventies, sex was all the rage. People all across Canada were having sex, even in Toronto. There were bars you could go to if you wanted to find someone to have sex with. Yes, even in Toronto. Of course, it was bound to end. Especially in Toronto. By the eighties, sex was finished. By that time, people had careers. In 1986 a federal cabinet minister had to resign simply for visiting a German strip club. Sex was tacky. Sex was uncool. It simply wasted time that could have been spent gett ing ahead. Sinclair Stevens knew this. You never heard about Sinclair Stevens having sex. And so it goes. Canadians of our enlightened age keep fit, not to attract sexual partners, but to interest potential investors. And so it should be. Keep that in mind, Smithers. That's all for this week, class. Next week: Sex in the 21st century, what we can do to prevent it.